


Kiran rants about their experience with the Greil's Devoted banner

by Klokkenspel



Category: Fire Emblem Heroes
Genre: Gen, I have your boyfriend why aren't you coming to me?, IS please, Seriously what's with all the -atk stuff like these Ivs are all horrible, Valentine's Ike where are you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-16
Updated: 2019-02-20
Packaged: 2019-10-29 22:06:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17816381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Klokkenspel/pseuds/Klokkenspel
Summary: Because I have express my anger somewhere.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I thought I wouldn't be doing any more Fire Emblem fanfics for the next few months, but this is just ridiculous. Quality should not be expected.

"YES YES YES IKE GOT A SEASONAL ALT! AND WITH SOREN!"

Kiran's screech rang throughout the castle. Several heroes jumped or flinched.

Alfonse dropped his watering can and rushed through the halls to Kiran's side.

"What!? What's happened!?" he gasped, a panicked look on his face.

"Ike." Kiran repeated, a dreamy look on their face. The device that Kiran called a "phone" was in their hands, showing a moving image of a hero that didn't look like Ike at all.

Kiran grinned when he saw Alfonse looking.

"And Soren," they amended. "They have a seasonal alt now. In the newest Valentine's banner!" That last part turned strangely high pitched, and a maniacal look was in their eyes.

Alfonse had seen the Summoner act strange before, but this was new.

"So..." he began.

"And they both have irises! Which has something to do with love, I think. And Iris was the rainbow goddess. It doesn't get gayer than that!" Kiran giggled.

"Isn't Greil here too?" Anna squinted at the screen. "That fury 4..."

"Ike! Soren! All my orbs shall go towards you two!" Kiran jumped around waving their arms in a nonsensical manner.

"But that fury 4-" Anna began.

"NOPE! RED AND BLUE IT IS!" Kiran yelled. Anna sighed.

Alfonse decided he was going to go back to watering the flowers.

* * *

"Let's see..." Kiran piled sixty orbs in front of the stone.

Several flashes came and went.

"Robin? We're off to a great start..."

"Sophia, Corrin, Jagen, Seth...urgh."

Alfonse watch patently. Finally, Kiran jumped up and and wild look seeped into their eyes...

Only to be crushed as a young woman with purple hair and tome stood in front of them.

"NO! I wanted Soren! Not Lute!"

They continued summoning while Alfonse explained to each hero what had happened.

In the middle of another explanation, Alfonse was suddenly interrupted by a loud cheer. 

"YES!" 

It was who Alfonse presumed was Soren. Kiran waved their arms around excitedly and pranced about. 

"But I'm out of orbs..." Kiran muttered. "But I can get more!" They perked up and skipped back to the castle, leaving Alfonse to deal with the new heroes by himself.

* * *

Kiran put twenty orbs in front of the summoning stone.

"No..no...no...no...no..."

* * *

 Another twenty.

"No...No...No...No...No..."

* * *

"No...no...no...no...wait! Oh...it's you."

"Hello, I'm Leif, and-"

"You're no one important," Kiran huffed, "with your garbage -atk iv," and trudged back to the castle, orbs all spent again. Alfonse looked at Leif apologetically.

"Sorry. They're just in a bad mood today."

* * *

 Kiran started to bring less orbs. Usually 13 at a time, 9 if they were especially. A while passed with nothing noteworthy...

* * *

"What." Kiran stood open mouthed at the stone. In front of the stone was a young lady with blue hair and the Falchion.

"I don't care about normal Lucina! When was the last time _she_ was featured on a banner!? And what's with the +hp -res deal!?" Kiran snarled, throwing down Breidabilk and storming back to the castle.

"Sorry," Alfonse muttered to her. 

* * *

Kiran took a deep breath.

"Why, oh why, DID YOU OF ALL PEOPLE BREAK MY PITY RATE!?"

It was Elincia.  _Another one_. Because there was already an Elincia back at the castle. 

"And you couldn't even present a better iv! -atk isn't exactly hard to beat, but _noooo_ , you had to have -spd!" Krian burst into tears and ran off. Not to the castle this time.

"W-wait!" Alfonse called, Kiran could get lost! Muttering to the confused Elincia to stay put, he shot off after their summoner.

* * *

"NO! STOP! WHY!?" Kiran shouted at Sigurd. "AND WHAT'S WITH THESE STUPID IVS!? -SPD +HP!?" They threw their remaining orb at his head, which bounced off and rolled to Alfonse feet. He picked it up and walked over to Kiran.

"It'll be alright," he soothed. "You'll get Ike eventually."

Kiran sniffed and sat down onto the stone.

"T-thanks."

* * *

Kiran waved Bredabilk dejectedly. This was one of the few instances in which orbs weren't required for a summon.

"Oh. 5-star Nowi. That's nice." They had a dazed, murky look in their eyes.

"Now where's that luck with the Greil's Devoted banner?"

Alfonse had hoped the free Nowi would cheer them up, but it only seemed to make Kiran more depressed.

* * *

 "IT'S NOT ALRIGHT!?" Kiran bawled. "NOTHING IS ALRIGHT. WHY DO YOU GIVE ME GENEALOGY!? I DON'T CARE ABOUT GENEALOGY!"

"U-Umm..." A woman in dancer's clothes twirled her sword nervously. "I'm Lene..."

"I DON'T CARE! GET THAT MONSTROUS -ATK AWAY FROM ME!" Kiran yelled. Alfonse quickly led Lene back to the castle.

* * *

A long while passed with no new five-stars. Kiran seemed to actually be getting hopeful now.

"That means I'm more likely to summon a five-star. My pity rate is really high now," they explained. "And I have a higher chance of getting Ike!"

"It also means you have a higher chance of getting another worthless five-star," Soren pointed out. The past few days he had been giving those summoned heroes dirty looks, like it was their fault Ike wasn't here yet.

Kiran waved Soren's comment aside.

"Any time now!" they cheered optimistically.

* * *

"Titania! You're here!"

Kiran shook her hand vigorously.

"Ike has to come now!"

* * *

"I am Lord Duma's faithful servant-"

"SHUT UP! GET THAT -ATK AWAY FROM ME! WHY COULDN'T YOU AT LEAST HAVE BEEN TIBARN!? OR ARYA!? MY SISTER GOT A RANDOM +ATK -RED AYRA! AN AYRA! OUT OF NOWHERE!" Kiran collapsed onto the ground, twitching, tears streaming out of their eyes.

"My pity rate..." they gasped. "Ike..."

Alfonse ushered yet another hero to the castle. This time though, he made a point to take away Celica's sword, and then explain things. The creepy purple aura and muttering about Duma wasn't helping his nerves. When Soren saw, his grip on his basket of irises tightened.

"Please don't kill her," Anna implored.

"If we get Ike, I won't," Soren replied angrily.

* * *

"This is  _way_ worse than the Duma banner..." Kiran groaned. They tossed some heroic grails at the summoning stone.

"This is a much better summoning method," they muttered. "BLACK KNIGHT!"

And thus the Black Knight was summoned.

Alfonse took the knight to the training center while explaining things, like usual.

"Hmm...your Summoner is agitated," the Black Knight mused.

"They wish to summon the hero Ike," Alfonse explained. The Black Knight suddenly stopped.

"Ike?"

* * *

Kiran threw the feathers at the Black Knight.

"Back to the training center you go, Zelgius," they called. the Black Knight froze.

"How-"

"I'm the Summoner. I know things," they replied. "Once you're done training, come join me by the summoning stone. Maybe that'll lure Ike..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everything here is true. Unfortunately. 
> 
> My original FEH account got deleted and I forgot my nintendo password and email password so RIP everything there. I started a new one a few weeks ago and have had zero luck in getting the units I wanted. Before this on the Duma banner I got four B!Ephriams, two with -atk and two with +hp -something. Oh, and an L! Lyn because WHY NOT. My target for the banner? HS!Ryoma and HS!Elincia. I did eventually get them. Ivs were meh but I don't care. Unfortunately, same couldn't be said for Tibarn or Reyson on the Laguz banner. I somehow pulled a 4-star Reyson on the Duma banner though. That banner and the Greil's Devoted banner has cost me ALL the orbs from Paralogues, Main Story, Tactic Drills, and Tempest Trials. And half of the Blessed Gardens orbs.
> 
> This is in a universe where Kiran is actually behaves like me. And is self-aware. Actual serious FEH fics from me will not be in this universe.


	2. Chapter 2

Kiran was on their belly, legs swinging back and forth behind them, hands playing around with two orbs and face etched in deep concentration.

"What are you thinking so hard about?" Alfonse inquired.

"Hmm...who should I train next?" Kiran asked. "We have Lucina, Sigurd, Lene, Fallen Celica, and another Elincia, courtesy of my stupid luck. Leif's already maxed and Black Knight should be maxed by tonight when he's back from the special training map."

"Which one has the best ivs?" Alfonse asked.

"Didn't you hear me last time?  _Their ivs are all garbage_. Seriously, Sigurd, Lucina, and Elincia are the only ones who don't have -attack, and we already have an Elincia trained up. The two I like most out of these are Lene and Fallen Celica, and horray, they have that stupid atk bane."

Kiran sighed.

"I'll just use a dice." They grabbed a five-sided dice off the table. "We'll judge based on order of obtainment. "

Alfonse watched as the dice was tossed into the air. It landed with a small click with the number 4 facing up.

"Lene then. Well?" Kiran prompted Alfonse, who quickly took his leave to find Lene and lead her to the special training area.

"Now... let's see who'll go on the next expedition."

* * *

 "Fjorm, get Veronica, Ike, and Eir for me, will you?" Kiran called. "We have some battling to do."

"Which Ike?" Fjorm asked.

"The one we got for free."

"We got both for free, Kiran."

"The beefier one."

And thus they defeated Surtr, Ruler of Flame, and all his other lackeys (but not before they all died like three times but don't let Kiran hear you say that).

* * *

"Okay. The next five-star better be my Greil's Devoted Ike," Kiran growled, loading the orbs into their g-Breidablik. 

There was a flash.

"Aaaand it's not Ike," one of the Laslows, who had tagged along out of bordom, said.

"Thanks, Captain Obvious," Kiran gritted out.

Instead, the person who stood before them was...Celica. The worst one. The one with the red tome and confused expression whom Alfonse was leading away before Kiran could try to stuff her back into Breidablik.

"The one time it wasn't a sword unit," Kiran sighed. "And I got Celica.  _Celica_.  _Another version of Celica_."

"At least this one isn't possessed," Laslow muttered. "Might be easier to taker  _her_ out for tea."

* * *

"What." Kiran blinked, trying to make sure what they were seeing wasn't some illusion cooked up by their fever-ridden mind.

"Umm..." Alfonse shifted. "Hello, I'm Alfonse and this is our Summoner, Kiran. You're-"

"WE. GOT. IKE."

Kiran promptly fainted, collapsing onto the stone with a blissful expression on their face.

"You might want to find that one a healer," Ike commented.

"N-no need. Your presence will make everything well again," Alfonse smiled.

* * *

"W-wait. What is this?" Anna waved around Kiran phone device thingie. It was showing moving pictures of...beast units.

"Keaton, Velouria, Kaden, Selkie," Alfonse identified. "Oh no..."

 

"NOOOO" was indeed the reaction Kiran had. "WhY IS! wHy!?"

Alfonse check their orb store.

It was dry. There was nothing in the room except for a white feather and arrow.

"Hmmm...if I recall correctly, HS!Elincia and HS!Xander were on the previous ledgenday banner," Alfonse muttered. "Which means HS!Micaiah and HS!Xander has a high chance of being on the next one, and with how obsessed Kiran is over seasonal dancers..."

Alfonse sighed.

"Maybe I should find a place to hide for the next couple weeks."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know what, at first I didn't really like the Askr trio. Nothing stood out to me about them, and their personality or stories didn't grab me or interest me the way some other characters did. My opinion of them was just "meh". But after this I think I just warmed up to Alfonse a bit. The third book probably helped.
> 
> AND I GOT GD!IKE. With +spd -def. I'll take it! And yes I did support him with GD!Soren immediately. No more summoning on that banner for me, so Greil and Mist will have to wait for a legendary banner or next year's Valentine's.
> 
> I haven't done FE fanfiction in a while and while this is a joke fic to blow off steam I will probably be doing more soon...
> 
> And speaking of which...
> 
> White feather and arrow. A little hint as to what I have planned next. If anyone cares.


End file.
